Everything I Need to Know About Life….

“Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap”

….I Learned From “30 Rock”:

-Live every week like it’s shark week

-Never go with a hippy to a second location

-The Italians have a saying… Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And although they’ve never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.

-You can’t solve all your problems by shooting someone or setting a stranger on fire.

-…the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you are thinking of.

-Let me tell you about 20 year olds: Half of them are 16.

On whether or not Phil Collins should be included on a mix tape: I’ve got two ears and a heart, don’t I?

-When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males

-Vampires are the world’s greatest golfers but their curse is that they’ll never get to prove it

-It’s crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the sixties.

Conan O’brien on Tracey: He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.

Jack: Alright, if you insist on going all Murphy Brown on me, let me give you a tip. Don’t smother your child to compensate for not having a man in your life. Don’t say “You’re the only man I’ll ever love,” even babies know that’s creepy.

-The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful Black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from Sesame Street; they’re members, too and they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the Interweb.

-Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I’ll fight them. You have a gimpy right knee, right?

-I don’t need therapy. I’m just mentally ill.

-Cougars have to act young. You should get a ring pop to suck on.

Liz: I’m feeling pretty drunk.
Jack: Well, it’s business drunk. It’s like rich drunk. Either way it’s legal to drive.

-Rich fifty is now middle-class thirty eight.

-Florida is America’s Australia

– [Regarding (an) ankle bracelet alcohol monitoring device] Maybe I’ll just compromise – go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!

On Success: Hey, nerds! Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi.

-On the Bush Administration: (Jack): [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking. (Cooter Burger): No, it’s not. We looked into it and it’s not.

to be continued…..